As always, I started my night at the barn with good intentions. I was planning on taking a practice level 2 audition video. I mostly wanted to document my progress and was planning on sending in a real audition later. But for some reason, I went completely direct line and felt the need to have the video be exactly as it would in a real audition. I had planned out my tasks but spent nearly 40 minutes obsessing over the very first one- the figure eight! I was so aware of the fact that I was on camera that I felt determined to make it perfect, almost as if it were a performance. I understand now that this was the absolute wrong way of looking at it, but the worst thing is I didn't even realize I was doing it! Before long, it became a vicious cycle of me getting uptight causing Rydel to be uptight. I was completely emotional and the exact opposite of a good horsewoman. As the session went on, I rarely took time for retreat, I didn't always set myself up for success by slowing things down or going back to the friendly game when it was broken. I am totally and completely ashamed of how handled (or didn't handle) things. It was like my horse knew her responsibility, do the routine (pattern) to the best of her ability, and I knew my responsibility, reward the slightest try and don't worry about perfection. And yet, there I was, a crazed pageant mom jumping around the audience dancing the routine and urging my child to not forget to smile. Talk about embarrassing.
When I finally decided to call it a night, put Rydel back in her stall so she could eat her dinner, I could feel my blood pressure slowly starting to go back down. I apologetically groomed and loved on Rydel but I still left the barn feeling like I completely let her down.
Im going back tonight without an agenda this time. I plan to be a much better partner for her and am going to focus on our relationship. In time, I know all other things will fall into place. :)
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